I just withdrew online from my Masters units. I'm so disappointed. I can't do it right now. I've been sitting at my laptop all weekend looking at this stuff I have to do and I can't do it. I'm exhausted from work and the med degree and being sick and ....everything!
The bad thing is I missed Census date by a week, and I don't want to think about the money I've just wasted on fees - I really don't. The good thing is I just got sent my Graduate Certificate of International Health certificate and academic transcript, as I've completed enough for that cert so far. At this point, I kind of feel happy to have a loose end tied up if I ended it here. I'm not sure when I'll go back to the MIH. It may even be after the MBBS, or it might just be next semester but only one unit. The point is it's all a journey and this Voyager needs a break before the next mountain.
Right now is one of the first times I feel I can actually relate to people when they say "Oh, I could never go back to study - I've done enough!". I actually feel slightly traumatised in my study room from this med degree. I think I need to rearrange all the furniture in here before next term to move the stale energy around a bit. At least I have spent the first week of annual leave (before I got sick) spring cleaning my house which I think will make a big difference next term in being organised and therefore staying on track. Too bad I have not started in the study yet.
I want to grieve the loss of this Masters dream right now, but I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself because I need to get my shit together and focus on getting this med degree. It's not just the study-load and the stress of studying medicine, it's finding the money for the tuition fees and now after a year I'm starting to resent how much it is eating into my lifestyle. For some reason all I want to do atm is go shopping and get my hair done and do the most superficial stupid stuff that is possible in this world. I can only put it down to my brain (or ego or whatever it is) just going "Enough of this serious stuff already! Read more Famous magazine and less New England Journal of Medicine!"
Actually, I did get a hair cut last week - the first time in 2 years. I was sitting in the salon chair thinking "I want to be a hairdresser again!" And then I started thinking about if I should work casually as a hairdresser instead of as a paramedic when I do my clinical modules. Seriously!
Sometimes I question why I'm doing this to myself, and I feel right now I need to take the next two weeks I have left of annual leave and really find that motivation again. After being only one year into this 5 year battle, this is starting to scare me a little.
Anyway, I apologise for the tone of this post because it sounds so self-centred and superficial, but it's an honest reflection of where my head it at right now. You would think after getting a lovely email update from New Hope about my sponsor family in Cambodia about how the 3 eldest children have moved hours away to find work for $1 a day, I would be able to put things in perspective, but, no.
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