Week 4, here I come

I have a renewed sense of optimism and energy starting Week 4 today.

I really began it yesterday afternoon (Monday) after my quiz to try and get some reading of the case done before the first lecture at 8am on Tuesdays.

I had a big headache and felt tired so I went back to bed for a few hours this afternoon. I have been slack with my diet and eating bread again and drinking a bit of coffee and I really must stop that before I return to work on Thursday.

I sat down tonight with my little exercise journal. I have two weeks until a taekwon-do competition in Mildura, and then only two weeks after that is the Australian Masters Games in Geelong. I went to tkd training last night and I have lost a serious amount of fitness over the past 3 or so weeks. It's scary! I am very motivated to go to training as much as possible, therefore I must study a good 10 hours during the day. Training takes up a huge chunk of time as it's such a long drive to our club and we go to the gym for an hour beforehand to work on cardio, strength, and stretching. The 1.5 hour classes are technique-focused.

Anyway, it's all fluids and electrolytes this week so there is heaps of physiology to understand. I like physiol, but this week is truly daunting.

This is what I'm doing right now:

• This week's learning objectives (this week they came with the answers. Not sure if it was a mistake? Normally it's just a question format, ie "What are the fluid compartments of the body?")
• This week's case. It's MASSIVE. There's about 4 actual clinical vignettes and 25 pages of information attached with it.
• Revision of lecture and slides. I just can't pay attention for 1.5 hours straight so I am trying to go over them again. I have a second lecture on Thursday morning. I feel the quiz questions are covered well in the lectures in this module.
• Guyton and Hall Textbook of Medical Physiology - the appropriate chapters in the renal section on fluid and electrolytes and also diuretics
• Dr Najeeb lectures on fluids and diuretics. 
• Then, I have 3 required readings to do
• USMLEWorld QBank renal physiology questions
• cross-referencing in First Aid and Kaplan revision sources that I have

Thank you Jesus, Thank you Buddha, Thank you Old Gods

Phew. I just got 80% on my quiz.

I really, REALLY needed a confidence boost and a good score like that was just what I required.

Massive PHEW.

I forgot to write last week that I realised I had TWO lectures per week, not just one. I missed the second one for the first two weeks, but luckily they've changed the policy so you can watch the recordings if you miss them. I have no idea how I didn't realise it before week 3. I was really kicking myself, I felt so down on myself: "Oh you can't even figure out when your lectures are, let alone pass the course".

So far, I've gotten over 80% in all my modules except Neuro (due to illness), so I shouldn't really be so hard on myself. I have written about this before, but I will say it again, med school can be really hard for a lot of students becuase they come from a previous background of everything being easy for them. I know for me, even if I didn't study much in other courses, I could still 'wing' and exam and still do quite well. This is NOT the case for med school at all. It is one of the reasons why I wanted to do med, to really push myself and do something that did require me to put in a little effort. It can be uncomfortable at times, and I question my abilities ALL the time. I don't know why. I should be more confident. I heard that being confident can boost your IQ by 10%!

I'm also really really glad to have gotten a good score this week because now I can stop telling myself:

1. You only did well in the Week 1 quiz because the first week is always the easiest
2. You only did well in the Week 1 quiz becasue you can do ok for short periods, but do not have the stamina for a long course
3. Even if you didn't have technical issues in the Week 2 quiz, you still would have failed it any way
4. The academic coordinator thinks your a liar and you made up the technical problems with the quiz and when you fail the 3rd one as well this will prove it to him

Gee it sounds like I'm really negative. I'm actually a really positive person. My old cranky GP who didn't think I could make it in med school was right about one thing: it really does require a lot of strength.

Dichotomy of knowledge

I've been using USMLEWorld QBank as an additional resource to help me prepare for my weekly quizzes, and I found http://usmle-score-correlation.blogspot.com.au website to see what my QBank score would mean on the USMLEs.

It goes like this: The stuff I'm good at, from being a paramedic, ie cardiovascular/respiratory anatomy/physiology/pathology etc, I do really well in. Enough to get into what I want to get into. The stuff I don't have a background in, ie renal, isn't even good enough to pass. I haven't dared looked at my biochem scores for a long while.

Right now, what I'm not good in is outweighing what I am - too much.

I have a lot of work to do.

I'm gonna go read the renal sections of some of the books I have on my shelf now I've completed the allocated readings. It's a Sunday afternoon and I haven't left the house for days. I take no more than an hour off a day plus meal breaks.

Oh, and PS: my academic advisor doesn't count doing the readings as "study". Apparently I'm to read 100-200 pages per week, do all the lectures and meetings, and THEN do 40 hours of extra study on top. This could be where I've been going wrong. I've been doing 40 hours total, you know, a mere 7 hours, 6 days per week.

Some good news

The academic coordinator has allowed me to not include that last quiz in my grades due to there being problems with it. I'm so relieved I really think I would have done much better if the timer hadn't unexpectedly run-out!

So it's really up to be now to do really well on the next quizzes.

Back at med school

I'm back studying at med school. Things are going ok so far, but my initial thoughts of having a more balanced life seem impossible now only a few weeks back. I'm beginning to wonder how other people do it.

I guess I'm already a little disheartened by my grades so far. Mostly, because I thought I was doing really good. In my mentor meetings I feel confident, like I know what I'm talking about. I read about the diseases and think "Oh yeh, I know this" and cross read other references and it all looks familiar, I actually complete the allocated readings, then all of a sudden it's quiz time and one week I do amazing, and then next really poorly. I can't make heads or tails of it.

I suppose all I can do is hope they will take me back into the MBBS program if the MD thing doesn't work out. I can't believe how negative I sound already. I guess this is a good warning to potential med students that it can be a real hit on the self esteem.

My parents are coming over from interstate to visit and I've basically had to tell them that I don't have time to spend with them. They're all like "Just one day together will be fine" and I'm seriously thinking "No, I don't even have one day". I have a really good mate's baby shower on the weekend, I promised my best friend I'd help her prepare for it by making the vegan food, and another party back in my bf's hometown and I'm basically cancelling on everyone. I feel dreadful.

To make matters worse, I feel I can't train and I'm still off work with a broken toe. Talk about feeling completely useless right now. At least I don't have major anxiety like last time or chronic fatigue.

To sum things up, I suppose things are not going well for me back at med school after all. They were last week and I didn't feel like blogging so excuse me while I vent now. I guess this is how I got into this blogging in the first place! If things keep going bad for me, then expect more posts. If you don't see any, then assume things are going well.

One positive thing is, I do have a really good academic advisor this time. She is very friendly, helpful, and supportive. Do you remember that the last one laughed at me (literally in my Skype-face) because I didn't have a solid microbio background? My new ones is all like: "Med students always put too much pressure on themselves. You can't know everything. It's ok not to do well in everything - you're still learning." I know some people prefer tough love, but I like the softer approach and gentle reassurance. I also like the fact she sounds like Oprah, although I haven't been exposed to many people with that type of accent in rural Australia.

Perhaps, one of the worst things is, I feel like I would make a really good doctor. I feel like I "get" things quickly and can work my way through diagnoses no problems. It's frustrating me that I'm stuck in the purgatory of pre-clinical.

That is all. Excuse my complaining. I'll try and end on a positive note, perhaps some sort of positive affirmation, each time to avoid the bad mental state I got myself in last time I was studying at med school. I don't want to get those grey hairs back again. It may not be original, as I need practice, but here goes:

I can do this. Whatever it takes, I have the ability.

Edit: My former mentor is mentoring me again, I've been told I have to repeat neuro at 50% tuition if I want to complete an MD (MD>75% vs MBBS>60% as I got 60) although they didn't offer it this term so I'm doing renal and seeing how I go (if I get 60-75 then I'd seriously consider changing back to MBBS if they will allow me - I haven't asked - and not worry about the USMLEs for now), and my tax return pretty much covered my tuition fees but I wasn't able to do a 12-month tuition plan until January so I have had to pay a whole module. Oh, and I broke my big toe during my taekwon-do tournament and have had the past 6 weeks off work!