Grateful

Tonight, I feel my life couldn't be more perfect than it is right now. I mean, there are still things I want, but I'm so grateful for what I have.

I have the most beautiful and sexy life partner, a rewarding and fulfilling career, I lovely home which is keeping me safe from this wild weather and includes a most excellent housemate and awesome cute pets, I live in a lovely town with nice clean air and plenty of green yet is close enough to the city for nights out, I'm studying three (!) courses which I'm absolutely passionate about and severely enjoy studying which I can study at work and just relax when I get home, and I'm going to Bali in three weeks for what is sure to be a fantastic holiday with thoughts on India for NYE. What else? Hmm...

Lots of things.

Oh yeh, my family is pretty awesome. I got a good one in the lucky dip of life. I have enough money right now to do things including building a second house (although slowly) and I feel relatively liberated from the grip of consumerism.

 A major break through for me today was 1) I felt appreciated by my superiors at work which made me feel validated as a professional in my field (this never happens, except for my direct supervisor however we are really good friends) and 2) I've decided I don't NEED to be on a diet. And about an hour after that I decided that I still CHOOSE to do a workout tomorrow and to continue focusing on my nutrition. I choose to eat healthy because that's what fit and healthy people like me do. I have decided that I am already pretty darn fit and healthy. I mean, I can run 9kms. I don't always have time to do it but I've done it (well, technically run 4.5 and walked/run the last 4.5) almost every week with other workout sessions in between. It's not every day, but I think I can sustainably manage three times a week for life.

My diet looks pretty good even though I originally got upset about today because I ate about 100g of chocolate and about 100g of lollies, but apart from that it was all veges and herbal tea and muesli and almond milk. So maybe my clothes fit a little tighter right now, but I still look toned, tight, and healthy and I remain in my healthy BMI. Don't get me wrong - I still want to shed some of this weight, but I've decided I'm not going to kill myself to do it, put my life on hold until I get there, or hate myself for how I look right now. I am loving the 12wbt though.

The biweekly videos from Mish are inspirational, I'm loving the vege meals provided by her nutritionist, and I even do the set workouts with a smile on my face. What I can't or don't want to do includes waking up early from my fatigue break to workout when I'm absolutely stuffed, working out every day at all costs even when I feel my energy is low, spend a whole Sunday cooking in advance for the week, and going hungry worrying about if it's time for my snack. What I'm resisting right now but am willing to continue working on is: counting and recording calorie intake, staying away from soft drink (including diet soft drinks) and saving my alcohol calories to once or twice a week wines with dinner, being more organized and doing just one weekly grocery shop (howevere I'm finding even though I'm supposedly buying for "one" that im actually ending up with a large excess of food in my fridge each week, so I'll just buy 3 or 4 days work once and week and go from there).

 So, is that too much information?

So this is what normal feels like

At home and feeling ridiculously refreshed. Feel almost normal again. Tonsils looking amazing. Life is good.

I'm back

So I guess it's been about a month since I stopped blogging. I've been through a shift in my life. It was unexpected but I have faith that it was part of my journey.

I deleted this blog before I knew it was coming - all I knew was that I needed to make a few changes but I hadn't intended on the changes which have happened. By bringing back creativity and healthy food in my life, my head space opened up.

And so, this blog is going to slightly change its trajectory.

Now; I'm a paramedic medical student that's pursing an interest in Traditional Chinese Medicine, and other forms of healing which are normally bundled in "complementary and alternative". I think the accepted term in western medicine is "integrative medicine", that is, not excluding western biomedicine for another form, and not simple adding onto western med, but integrating different approaches and theories. I am cautious as I go, knowing full-well there are lots of western med people out there that consider anything not western med to be, well, a sham. I don't look at it this way.

My health took a dive late last year and early this year. I got so run-down and depleted. I was worried I was getting chronic fatigue at the very least, and maybe even becoming toxic and pre-cancerous, and I had chronic tonsilitis (tonsiltiis for over a year continuously). I started adjusting things, listening to my intuition, doing practices in my day that stretch beyond simply eating well and resting adequately.

I listened to a TED talk by Lissa Rankin which explained the most important health determinants were things like happiness at home, job satisfaction, and spirituality. It made me think of how poorly we acknowledge the connection between these things and our health, and aren't all aspects of health worthy of the attention of the medical fraternity, even if it can't be viewed through a microscope with a clear cause and effect pattern?

So.... I don't know where I'm going with all this. All I know is I'm on a journey. And I feel like sharing again.

For the past few weeks I knew something big was happening but I didn't know what. I still don't know but I have settled a little into my new paradigm.

Ok so for those who are worried I am still studying med but I now have a break until August this year and I'm seriously considering deferring until Jan 2013, but I won't know until a few months time. I will update, of course, when I know.

I have taken this term off the Masters. I think that is only sensible seeing as I've enrolled In the Bachelor of Health Science (Chinese Medicine) and that I need more space in my life to find my path. The Chinese Med is only part time and I find the whole experience uplifting, but I'll post on that another time.

That's all for now. I'm excited...

Nasty work

It's my last 2 hours at work for the week, it's 30oC, and I cannot wait to get home and get the barbie fired up (and the sav blanc opened).

I'm feeling good about this week and the study I've done at work. We weren't very busy this week so it made it a little easier. I also managed to catch up with some friends from uni (paramedic degree) and it's always great to do so.

I'm feeling a little sooky this afternoon as I overheard a nasty job unfold down at the beach. These types of things always make me want to go home and hug my loved ones and not let go. Life is so precious. My other superficial worries don't seem as bad this afternoon as they did this morning.

Research day

Tuesdays on my schedule are research days. I attended my first Journal Club at med school. It wasn't as painful as I'd predicted, and it is really good practice to go through these articles as a group under the guidance of two experts.

One of my former classmates is ahead of me and is in her clinical modules. I heard they added a research block and she mentioned her clinical research project in the class today. It looks like I'll be doing a number of research projects in the very near future of my career. After this post I will work more on my current project proposal.

There is something about adding to the human knowledge-bank that is extremely appealing, and even more  so when it is about helping sick people. Today's article was about Alzheimer Disease and it feels amazing to be among doctors and clinical research scientists that are part of a human effort to combat disease. Humans, as a race, do some many things wrong, but I feel more optimistic when I think about the things we do right, like advances in medicine, science, technology, and space exploration! (Been watching too much Star Trek lately....)

When your life is not on hold

Wow. It feels so relaxing to only be working full-time on-call, without (mandatory) study.

It's amazing how many things in life can occupy your day when you have the space for it to do so. It's not all bad. Some of it is necessary in order to maintain a certain standard in my house and personal appearance, and to be able to help out friends, catch up on my Star Trek dvds (I'm going through the Enterprise series atm), and then there's that thing I really think is important called "sleep". I did a few things at work like organise my in-tray and catch up on some paramedic clinical stuff. I slugged on myself today also on some beauty products just for a treat.

I didn't study at all today. Tomorrow is Friday already. I've given myself until the end of tomorrow to sort out my house, as I'll have to pack on Saturday ready for Sunday's flight. Although I don't need all day to pack, I need to leave plenty of buffer-room due to my work. I am predicting this weekend might be busy due to the warm weather we're having and that it's a mega-long weekend and Christmas and all.

Today I probed my group manager about the possibility of part-time paramedic work and job-share in the region.  He was fairly optimistic about it which is a great reaction - quite polar from the attitude when I started.  I'm about two years off (in my conservative projection) from ceasing full-time work to complete my clinical placements in medicine, but I thought it might be nice to sow a few seeds early.  Two years can go fast in the paramedic world thanks to shift-work and people being on annual leave all the time, up-ward relieving, and so-forth.

Anyway, off to bed to try and keep this adequate-sleep habit going...for now.

Excuses

I get approached a lot by people, especially other paramedics, about the possibility of them studying med.  I must say, of all of them, only about half again would consider OUM.  It's just too alternative for most.  I've fielded a few phones calls over the past few weeks. It must be that time of year.  Only one I know is actually going through the application process now (power to you!) and one or two are studying for GAMSAT this Summer.


The amount of times I've been approached by people that have a bucket-load of excuses and never go through with it is incredible.  Most common excuses are "can't afford it" and "don't want to go back to study". The most honest reasons I (barely ever) hear are "I'm afraid of failure", "I don't want to be at the bottom of the pecking order again", and "it looks really hard".


I remember when I did the MedPrep course (and excuse me if I've already told this story before) and the lecturer said "If you don't give it your best and keep trying until you get in, one day you'll be sitting the in the GP waiting room with your children telling them the story of how you almost became a doctor".


I had an anatomy lecturer in my paramedic degree that told the class how he used to be a medical student.  This guy was about 55 and used to being a medical student was still his identity.  He had to go to work at that same university every day and teach medical students and he couldn't even hide his regret. Imagine that?


Blaming your children for not doing something is gold. I mean, how can I reply to the best excuse of all which is "I can't afford my mortgage if I got back to medical school".  It's so true.  You probably won't be able to afford that mortgage you have. And I know the feeling.  I mean, I did almost exactly the same thing - I chose OUM to retain my lifestyle over moving 3000km away with no money and the prospect of another 4 years of two-minute noodles.


My point is; we don't all have to act on our dreams of someday becoming a doctor (or an astrophysicist or whatever). But if you think you might be that person in the GP waiting room one day, sitting there in regret, which your children can read all over your face, then that might cost your soul more than your mortgage repayments.


I don't want to put even more guilt on parents, especially seeing as I'm currently childless.  I just want to say there's lots of people who are "want to's", who are "gonna be's". I ask those people to really think what's stopping them. Is it the lifestyle change, or is it fear of something else?  It is a hard thing to do, I know.  And even if you can admit to yourself it's fear of failure, acting despite of that fear can be almost impossible.  I know it.  Because I'm the opposite.  I just have to act - I can barely contain myself!

Metalicus

So right now I'm addicted to http://www.metalicus.com/ clothing.  They are basic, well tailored, and fit perfectly.  They go with everything and I've owned many over the years.  They last really well and you always get your money's worth.  If I had to sum up my style with one line of clothing, Metalicus would be it.

As I said in my last post, I just splurged on some new tops.  Well, I've just done it again with a new dress and another top and leggings and an under skirt.  I'm pretty tight with cash atm due to med school fees, but I would have to say the number one reason I'm studying at OUM and not a "traditional" medical school in Australia is due to money and lifestyle.  I want to maintain my lifestyle as much as possible.  I work so friggin hard and sometimes I think it's necessary to stretch the budget for yourself.  Don't tell OUM but I would seriously consider deferring for up to six months if push came to shove.  I want to keep my house (mortgage), to buy the nice organic foods, and to dress not like a student, but as a sophisticated woman.  I'm 32.  I was a student forever (it felt like) before ambulance.  I absolutely love medicine, and really really want to be a doctor.  But the present is so important to me.  It always has been, even before I was an ambo.

Apart from all that, I just connected my Wii to the internet.  I don't need an lovely Mac afterall.  I havent' sussed out how you save files etc, but most of my online time is not spent with saved files, it's with reading data.  A lovely big plasma screen will make things so much more enjoyable.  I also just traded in 8 Wii games for Zumba for Wii.  Good trade, I say.  The games I traded were rubbish, like Grey's Anatomy The Game - rubbish.

I'm now watching perhaps one of my favourite episode of ER - "A Long, Strange Trip" from the final season.  It has a character in it which was instrumental in developing trauma centres and modern Emergency Departments. I like it.  He is also aged and has dementia, and diagnoses cryptic TB.  Nice.  It was World TB Day yesterday.  I'm pretty obsessed with TB.

So.... how's my Masters going?  It;s not.  Geebus!!!  what am I going to do?  I don;t know yet, but whatever it is it wont happen until Monday now.....

More study

Geez, when I started this blog I thought I'd have more to write about than just study.  But I guess realistically that is what I spend all my time doing.  And working.  Wow, I just realised how dull I sound.

However, I party in quality, not in quantity.  I am saving all my good times for annual leave. One more day of work to go....

I kicked off work today early with a deceased person.  Made me think I have to study all day today because it's overcast and I want to enjoy my days off in the sun, and because life is so short and I have things I want to achieve.  I also like learning about the human body - it's so friggin' fascinating.  Gimme a textbook over a novel any day.

Today on the study agenda...more TB!  And I'm reading The Lung chapter in Robbins Pathologic Basis of Disease right now.  I'll move onto the weekly tasks soon (pretty much all TB) and then I'll scan through the WHO TB manual then the case study.

And, yes, I do highlight and write in my $150 textbooks....